Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
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An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
what?
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.