Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
You Might Also Like
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Always
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Finally