My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
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my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
.. do you even science?
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.