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If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.