I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
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DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*