What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
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One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
bias laundering edition
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.