*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
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I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Good advice.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Dear Lord..
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
No regrets in 2018
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right