Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
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80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder