Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
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everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit