Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
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DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up