Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
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I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
You sure about that?
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.