These fireworks are awesome! High four!
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A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.