Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
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The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.