The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
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An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…