[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
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[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx