Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
You Might Also Like
mentally somewhere in italy
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Milk Cube
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.