*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
You Might Also Like
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
that de-escalated quickly
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”