Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
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This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
john wicks are toilet candles
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband