Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
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[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
My typo game is string.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.