Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
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One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?