me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
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Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know