My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
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No. YOU-buprofen.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…