hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
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The new Ring movie looks terrifying
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Every time my phone rings
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.