Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
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Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”