Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
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At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT