You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
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[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
More like Kate Missington.
I feel it
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
#Caturday
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years