[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
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me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|