As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
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Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…