My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
You Might Also Like
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Lmaoo 😂
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls