*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
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I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.