[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
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I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
lol
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?