DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
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her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
When you’re here for the treats.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.