Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
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“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
My brain is a bad influence on me
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.