If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
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Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
My last name is Zilla.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
*lint rolls you awake*
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.