I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
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The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
The struggle is real
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.