*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
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Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I’m not average. I’m mean.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.