So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
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Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.