Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
You Might Also Like
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
me, too, girl. me, too.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.