I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
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An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Ugh but profoundly
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?