kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
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Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.