ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
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You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
crazy