If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
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Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking