My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
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My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
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Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
The honesty is refreshing
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Teach your children to beatbox
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.