Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
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Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.