[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
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Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Probably my best painting.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here