If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
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Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
back to work
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.