It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
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People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.