Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
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As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
what?
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs