time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
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I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad