my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
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The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
😆this is so true
No, I don’t think I will.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.